Communication with a narcissist is beyond frustration. A narcissist is more interested in dominance than collaboration and your hopeful attempts usually come with the hefty price tag of emotional and mental health.
Letter writing and journaling provide outlets for the crazy you’ve experienced and help reclaim voice and self identity.
A proper letter does not ask anything of a narcissist for a narcissist only gives as means to assert power.
FOUR POINT TEMPLATE: LOVE LETTER to THE NARCISSIST
- What you will no longer allow? Example: I no longer give compliance and silence as cover-up for your dysfunction.
- What you will give to your self? Example: I give myself permission to see the beauty in others. The days of cringing at your barrage of judgment upon others are gone.
- Explore voice and self identity – threats to a narcissist! Be impassioned and bold. Example: I have mulched your dysfunction and used it as compost to bloom beauty and life.
- Affirm How does the experience fuel emotional and spiritual growth and motivate you to reclaim voice and authenticity? Example: I congratulate my mind for persevering and searching for answers. And for ultimately serving my heart’s desire for freedom and love.
Your words can serve as a Love Letter to your Authentic Self. This real you is what a narcissist most fears.
I didn’t send my letter and I don’t recommend you do either. The reclaiming of your voice and self worth are now more important than the crazy-making of trying to get a narcissist to hear you.
My letter is written in support of all who have experienced narcissistic abuse. Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
A PROPER LOVE LETTER for THE NARCISSIST
Dear N,
Over many years, I became familiar with your contradictory language, your avoiding glance and dower stare. Your narcissistic diatribe was crazy-making and toxic. My dear brain was traumatised.
Years later, here is what I wish to share:
After enduring self-hatred and shame so profound that I literally threw-up for eights years, I am now whole. At last, I’ve woven together the once splintered parts of my self you wryly celebrated amid their disarray.
I’ve triumphed over your petty judgments and self-righteous dictates.
With haughty conviction, you tried to undermine my voice, my lovability, my happiness and self-esteem. I lived.
Much to your ever-mocking chagrin, my life didn’t fall apart when I went limited contact. Inevitably, no contact.
After you, my life began an upward ascent to clarity. I now breathe fully with all of my lungs–not just the top one-third.
Upon reclamation of my voice, I determine what I am willing to give and not to give.
I no longer give you my indecisiveness, my uncertainly, power over my opinion, overriding superiority, upset of my feelings, a demand to be honored, nor, control over time. I no longer extend to you a desire to be loved or nourished. I no longer yearn for empathy or co-creativity or a real conversation, a heart-to-heart.
I remove the narcissistic supply you fed upon when watching your youngest child self-comfort by incessantly rocking back-and-forth in the car and rocking in bed until she fell asleep. When sleeping outside your bedroom door in fear of not being good enough to save if the house burned down at night.
I no longer give you anger for killing my animal friends. I turned to them for comfort. They kept me alive inside so I could breathe from the channel that serves as pathway home to love.
I no longer give you my hyper-vigilant state, a distraught central nervous system and overworked adrenals. I no longer allow you to disrespect me, emotionally abuse me nor deny your words and make me wrong.
I no longer give you narcissistic satisfaction by holding the residue of depression.
I no longer give compliance and silence as cover-up of your dysfunction.
I no longer give disdain at your stoic inability to really see me. You missed out. You had a daughter who is generous of heart and beneficent of spirit.
I do not give you an opportunity to yet again stab my heart. Even as death hovers and the golden child awaits conveyance of financial kingdom.
I now give on my terms.
I now think clearly. I am discerning. My left and right brain are harmonious. I have focus, inner knowing, truth in voice.
I am assertive.
At long last, I have healthy self-confidence and the inner knowing that I do contribute to my dear world.
I give myself permission to see the beauty in others. The days of cringing at your barrage of judgment upon others, to bolster feigned superiority, are gone.
I have mulched your dysfunction and used it as compost to bloom beauty and life.
I give authenticity and sincerity.
I give humility toward Spirit.
I give my body healthy foods and loving inner voice. The harsh inner critic is absorbed.
I give my heart honor for carrying me through confusion and lighting the path home.
I congratulate my mind for persevering and searching for answers. And for ultimately serving my heart’s desire for freedom.
I give myself permission for disapproval.
I celebrate all who move from darkness to light.
I cherish my heart, the carrier of light. To that end, my narcissist, I give you a wide berth.
With triumph of spirit,
Karuna
Karuna specializes in healing from early trauma and Complex PTSD. She has an intuitive ability to read energy and she focuses on your emerging consciousness during all sessions. Book today at hubfortheheart@gmail.com
Download Today! 10 Qualities of a Powerful Mind, Karuna’s online meditation programme designed for healing and emotional wellbeing.
I get all of this. I’ve made my declaration more concise: No more. My revenge will be my success at what he told me I would fail at and where he already failed. (As a bonus, I’ll revel in the fact that he is losing his hair in an odd pattern.)
I’d love to see a letter you actually would send N if you had to.
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you, Michael, for your comments. The more we understand the abuse and wounds inflicted by the narcissist, the more we heal emotionally and spiritually. I am happy to be generating greater awareness with you! “No more,” as you share; an affirmation of strength and self care. A big lesson for me was realization that my empathy is not well placed with a narcissist.
I actually did send a letter, that was not blaming or moving toward victimization: It was a letter where I stayed in my power; I did not move toward victimization; and I described my feelings, as well as my distress, at the situation that had become the “last straw.” The sending of the letter was futile in terms of the narcissist’s response, for there was no understanding or empathy: The desire to control usurps relationship. Yet, I am very glad to have remained in my power and stated by experience with logic and balance and ease. I will find the draft of that letter and post portions here.
I admire your letter, it has helped me as I have ministered to victims of narcissism. I pastor and also am a published author. Currently I am writing a book about breaking bondages and one of the subjects that I dealt with was narcissism. It had the greatest impact of any message that I have ever delivered in my 37 years of ministry. Would you be willing to allow me to put your letter in the book? If not I understand. Either way, God bless and thank you
Where is this posted? I could use suggestions just now.
I was thinking this morning of writing a letter and found yours I thank you so much for sharing. The fact I can process a drive to write and then sit with the need and feel it and own the experience is evough thank you no one owns my worth anymore xxx
Thank you, Ananda. “No one owns my worth anymore.” Well done. x
If you were not in a marriage with the narcissist and have the ability to cut ties the letter goes like this:
Dear N,
I can’t do this anymore. At this point I find I need to focus on myself and work, kids. I’m going to do the hard work to get over you and ask for a no contact approach moving forward. I wish you all the best.
Sincerely,
Xxxxx
Yes thank you so much for sharing.. I would love to see your insert as I am going through situations that seem as of a narcissist myself.
[…] A Proper Love Letter for the Narcissist […]
I found that the advise here is absolute! I have tried to express myself and been ridiculed.
But it was my daughter’s who helped me see the reality and gravity of the situation, not my doing anything but by what they lacked and their need to do better or feel better around their father, but I now realize how convoluted that is, they are incredibly important and beautiful girls who deserve everything I can do to help, by getting out if this I can help them to see they don’t have to be downgraded by anyone to be in a relationship. And I cried while reading your letter because it breaks my heart to know that people, everywhere, are also dealing with an energy sucking, soul crushing ego driven person like myself. For so many years I thought I was stupid or just not human. I was coming to terms with my mother’s narcissism and being told by my partner that I was in fact narcissistic because she was, so for almost two decades he had convinced me that I couldnt do a thing without harming someone. The impact of narcissistic behaviour is deep but together, me and my daughters can have a great deal of life to look forward to, I have learned alot over the last 18 months and I have no interest in stopping, thank you for your iimmeasurable work, i am forever grateful for discovering your writing
Your writing is so beautiful it made me cry for the first time in many months.
I was taught to cry only in the privacy of home where no one could see the abuse my parents put me through. Until eventually I forced myself not to cry, to bottle up my feelings so that they couldn’t hurt me anymore.
Thank you for helping me learn to cry again. Bless your heart
Thank you so much for sharing your experience of this letter. I’m glad to hear your heart is flowing again, albeit, initially through tears. It’s so very painful to “bottle up” feelings and to live in the midst of a great coverup. Denial is the #1 reason for a toxic family! If our families could be open, loving, transparent (so, simple when you see it, yes?) … think of what beautiful world we’d create. It starts with each of us, individually, and continues from there. x Karuna
I really love this. My ex will never read or acknowledge any letter I send him. But, how do you deal with a child/son who has distanced himself from me because of the lies his father told him? And, I think he might have some of his dad’s narcissistic tendencies. My son has not been nice to me either and it makes me so sad. I am about to give up on my son, too.
Thank you for your comment, Lynn. This is a heart-wrenching scenario, most certainly, and not a quick answer nor a quick fix. In short, remain truthful, authentic, “non-convincing,” even of tone and then allow the depth of your heart and your wisdom lead and guide. Trust the unfolding from there. For more in-depth support, feel free to be in touch with for online sessions: info@hubfortheheart.com.
I am so glad I stumbled across this site. I too, am like Lynn M., a survivor of 24 years emotional abuse by my narcassistic ex. The issue I dealing with now, is how to communicate with my daughter who has grown into a pattern of the same abusiveness toward me.
I love her so much, but she hurts me deeply, doesn’t respect me, treats me like garbage….I want to stop it and know I can only control my own behavior. She doesn’t respond to text, calls, offers to speak to a counselor together, so, I want to write a letter to my (20-yr old) daughter showing love, but asserting my boundaries.
Any ideas where I can find assistance to do this? I cant afford counselling after 9 months of unemployment due to COVID.
Any advice/help would be SO APPRECIATED!
Thank you for sharing, Melissa. I am so sorry humanity acts in this way! What heartache. Please know there is hope: Model communications for your daughter, remain steady, trust that your open, loving, non-convincing communications will, eventually, shine. Please remember: Your daughter also lived through years of brainwashing by a narcissist. She will need to time to decompress and detoxify as well. This will be part of her personal journey. How/when/timing will be up to her. Also, deeply nurture your Self (with a capital S) respect, this will be part of your journey. The less “needy” you are around your daughter right now, the better. This will help her/your process be more energetically efficient. So, heal your Self by coming home to the very wisdom of your “inner trunk”, speak authentically and see how all unfolds.
You can get ongoing support for free at my YouTube channel called Complex PTSD Made Simple:
https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCiXw_ftrQiEAqMhPgny_H5g
I also recommend you structure your day with meditation or prayer (same thing) first thing in morning, last thing at night. Then all the “stories” of the day go between the bookends. Through meditation/prayer we discover true respect for Self/Consciousness/God/our Greater Nature. I have free meditations on my YouTube channel.
I also have a dedicated and progressive meditation program that I keep affordable for all here:
https://www.hubfortheheart.com/online-programmes/
For books: Polishing the Mirror or Be Love Now by Ram Dass are good heart-centered books. Also, “The Book of Listening” with French author and Direct Path teacher Jean Klein is a PDF that is available online for free.
As finances allow, feel free to be back in touch for private sessions. Cheering you on in the meantime…
Karuna
Love your letter; thank you so much for sharing!
How can I find closure though? I believe if I send a letter to him he will read it but think it is of no value to him. It may even empower him to know that I am still thinking about him.
I’m just being able to say no to my ex narc. It has been over a year and he still controlled me. I’m scared and have made the first step on going NO CONTACT. I have changed my number and feel some what better knowing he won’t be calling me anymore at 2 in the morning love bombing me. I have had my share of relationships before but this one drained me out and causes a gap between my daughter and myself and I just couldn’t do it anymore. Even though he left me I now see he was doing me a favor. I wanted to write him a letter just don’t know how to begin.
I have a narcassist daughter. I have suffered yrs of verbal abuse, my husband and I were caretakers to her children until recently. She got in one of her moods, is accusing me of things that I didn’t say or do. If it were just my daughter, I’d move on, but I am very close to my grandchildren. She is withholding them from me. Not allowing me to see them unless I apologize. I don’t even know where to begin as I didn’t say or do the things that she accused me of. Please help, my heart is breaking